Saturday, December 31, 2005
Preferably a human being. Regularly maintains hygiene. Skin-and-bones-type will not be accepted. Easy and pleasant personality. Emotionally attached persons will not be accepted. Knows Christ. WIP (work-in-progress) with Christ. Perverts will be kicked; they need not apply. Flips are preferred. Rather, Flip men will be preferred.
Apply directly. No cover letter needed. Resumes are optional.
Felice Anno Nuovo!
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
That was clearly before one of the most wonderful nights in my life. What the heck happened to him? Who's this girl?
Shoot. I'm getting paranoid.
How the heck would I know that it's gonna be sad?
See, he had this blog thing in MSN Space. I visited his profile, curious whether he wrote something about Monday night. Here's what he wrote:
"i'd have to say.. the most crushing part of it all is knowing I'm dispensable.. that more or less, u can be uknowingly playing the role as 'flavor of the week'"
If he was talking about Monday night, when I phoned him "for fun," he's wrong to think that he's only my "flavor of the week" - so wrong! Does he even know what I feel for him? Does he know that I'm scared and thrilled to fall in love with him? Does he even know that I've fallen in love enough for me to need a whole year to get over him if it doesn't work out? Does he even know that I cry because of him? Does he?
I'm not flirting with him. He's the one flirting with me!
But, then again, we haven't talked about anything serious for a long while. I think we're both avoiding a certain subject - for good reasons. So what the heck is he talking about?
If we could only talk about serious stuff... If we could only be courageous enough to talk about this certain subject in a mature way (heck, he even said, we can say anything to each other!)... But I don't think it's the right time.
I'm taking him seriously. If he could only see through the jokes, then he'd know that he's the most special guy to me outside my earthly male family members. If he seriously thought about my name in MSN, then he'd know that he's the reason my name contains "behind these dark brown eyes".
Because, behind these dark brown eyes, with all the smiles and laughter, there's a scared heart. A heart scared of falling deeply in love with him that I'd never be able to get over him.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
That's "Merry Christmas" in Italian. Found that out from About Italian Language website. If it isn't correct, blame the website. (Hehe)
Did I have a merry Christmas?
Yeah, I guess. I didn't get anything in my wish list, though. But that's OK; I don't expect anybody to give me a laptop, an iPod, a digital camera, "The Lord of the Rings" Special Extended DVD Edition, Quickbooks Premier 2006, a plane ticket to Switzerland or Ireland, or a new cellphone.
I got a purple jacket and a purple purse from my sister, chocolates from a lot of people, lavender eucalyptus aromatherapy bath set (as if I'm gonna use it), "Chicken Soup for the Christian Soul" from a college friend, a lovely memo pad from the Candidos, Givenchy eau de toilette, a non-purple purse and purple sandals from Manila, moisturizing bath soap from my mom's employer, and the entire "The Chronicles of Narnia" from my nephew. Actually, I bought the latter from him with my present - $30. Hehe. My mom's present to me will give this an NC-17 rating, so I won't mention it. (Kidding.)
What did I give this Christmas? Mostly money, either in form of cheque, cash, or gift cards. I did that so they're free to buy whatever they want - and, for some, because I couldn't find what they wanted for Christmas.
Anyway, I'm happy. My closest friends can attest to that. I'm not entirely OK - I'm anxious and scared about certain things in my life - but I'm fine for the season. It's the celebration of my Saviour's birth; how can I not be fine?
I just hope that, in 2006, I'll be able to listen to what He says more than I did this year.
And Happy New Year to y'all! (I don't know how to say it in Italian, but I hope I'm gonna be able to say more things in Italian next Christmas!)
Thursday, September 22, 2005
JC Chasez was trying to ditch Tara Reid all weekend, but he just couldn't shake her, our spies say. The former 'N Syncer was hiding from the ditsy disaster in the W lounge backstage at the Custo Barcelona fashion show last week, but when he dashed out to his front-row seat, who should be perched next to him but the persistent "Taradise" star.
"He knew she would be at the show, so he stayed backstage as long as he could," a snitch tells us. "It wasn't long enough."
Next night at Marquee, there was still no relief for poor Chasez. The party barnacle suctioned herself onto him. "JC got so sick of her, he just left," a spy laughs. "She was so annoying."
Actually I just have colds, cough and body aches. Thank God I don't have fever. If I did, I wouldn't have been able to call in sick at work. 'Coz when I get the flu (the whole thing: colds, cough, fever, body aches), I can't even raise my hand without help. It's a real torture when I get sick.
Anyway, it's a good thing that I got sick. It gave me a really good reason to rest. No work-related stress (sick of work), no boy-related stress (except in fiction), no grade-schooler-related stress (my niece and nephew are in school), no overplayed-Korean-drama-related stress (I love the plots, etc, but my sister watches them all the time that I'm about to puke!). I'm all alone in the house, baby! Well, at least until my niece and nephew come home from school. Anyway, I can spend a lot more time looking for a new job. I can also focus on my favourite hobby - sleep! Best of all, I could write as much as I want.
It has a few disadvantages, though. I missed work, which would translate to not getting my full 40 hours (we don't have sick leave at work; sucks, eh?) for my next pay cheque (not the one that I'm getting tomorrow). Even a measly $72 would help paying off my student loan and other bills. Also, I wouldn't be able to see a couple of guys that make me smile. Worst of all, I'd have to do the chores that my sister and her family left behind. SUCKS!
But still. I got to rest. And I get to come to work tomorrow and pick up my pay cheque. Haha.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
My mom has decided to leave Canada and go back to the Philippines after all.
Contrary to popular beliefs, I'm hurt that she had come to that decision after only three years. I'm hurt that she based her decision on her emotions alone. I'm hurt that nobody in the family - not my mom, not my sister, not my brother, not me - did anything to solve all the problems. We all tried to forget that unhealthy conflict exists between the four remaining members of the nuclear family. Sadly, we all tried to sweep the bitterness and the hurt under the rug.
We all contributed to this conflict. My father, who was brought up the old school Roman Catholic way, was the stereotypical macho father and the one all three siblings fear. Though he didn't spank us as much as my mother did, his anger was more fearful because, as the head of the family, he took it upon himself to discipline us by corporal punishment and verbal abuse. And though he was faithful to us, he let us make fun of him, and he still believed in God, he wasn't much of an influence - to me, at least.
Now, my mom was also brought up the old school Roman Catholic way. Sadly, that brought my sister and me a lot of grief, though I wasn't really aware of the building conflict between my mom and my sister when I was growing up. You see, my mom believed that it's better to bear sons than daughters. She believed that, since sons carry the name of the family, they are superior to daughters. She always pointed out that she experienced painful labour when she was giving birth to my sister and me, as opposed to almost painless labour when she gave birth to my brother. She even told me when I was in my early teens that if her firstborn were a son, she would have more luck than she had, she would have a house of her own, and she would be more financially stable. Imagine how I felt when she told me that.
What I didn't know then was that my sister was hurt when my mom began to show her preference. My sister felt that my mom was being unfair. Then I came along; as the youngest, I became everybody's favourite - which didn't help. So my sister "rebelled" in a positive way. She became involved in more extracurricular activities than I had ever done. Then she found Christ and converted from Catholicism to Protestantism. And she went to college in University of the Philippines Los Banos, which meant that she was out of the house most of the time. She chose to be involved in worthwhile activities to get out of the house that didn't bring the comfort and love that she wanted.
So when I was growing up, I didn't notice any of my sister's pain or my mom's favouritism. (Because even I got as much corporal punishment and verbal abuse as they got.) But during my pre-teen years and early teen years, I finally noticed that my mom was more worried about my brother than about my sister. I remember when my brother first went to Dubai, United Arab Emirates to work; my mom would cry and get anxious about him. A few years after (when I was in mid-teens) when I asked her why she worried more about my brother than my sister, she gave me the same old crap that she thought my sister could take care of herself better than my brother could for himself. My mother couldn't be farther from the truth. Then, towards the end of my freshman year in high school, the dam containing my sister's pain and bitterness started to leak. She and my mom had a big fight in front of my brother-in-law, my infant nephew, and me. It was the first time she ever mentioned that my mother was playing favourites.
Fast forward to February 2002. We had just immigrated in Canada. Before we left the Philippines, my mother was so excited. Why? Because she thought that living with my sister would ease my brother's financial burden. (Aside from providing for his own family, my brother also provided for us and sent me to school.) When she was eventually disillusioned, she started telling me that she wanted to go back to the Philippines. Stupid me, I ignored that and turned to my own pleasures and personal pursuits.
Then in 2004, my brother and his family moved to the United States. She loved my brother so much that she stayed in Louisiana for nearly three months to help them out. When she came back, she complained to me about my brother's stubbornness, among other things. Of course, selfish as I am, I still ignored her complaints and focused more on my personal pursuits.
All those times, I was thinking: my mother has never realized that all three of us are grown adults. She never accepted that she was just overreacting. And that her twisted belief about sons and daughters is the root of this evil. She is in denial.
Yes, my sister hinted a lot of times that it was entirely my mother's fault. If she only changed her attitude towards her daughters, among other things, she wouldn't feel the need to go back to the Philippines. No, my brother never mentioned anything about it. I don't think he's even aware that her's the reason our mom and our sister are in deep conflict. He only lived his live the way my mother wanted - most of the time, that is. And no, I didn't mediate before because I felt that each contributed to the problem!
Of course, it always boils down to the fact that my mother is in denial about all of this. Bottom-line: nobody tried to communicate in an adult manner regarding the problem. Nobody tried to resolve the conflict in an adult manner. Nobody.
And now that my mother's decision is practically final, I feel both sadness and relief. I'm sad because I would miss my mom terribly. Annoying and irritating as she is most of the time, she's still my mother. She still sacrificed a lot for me and she still raised me (though not properly). But I'm also relieved that this particular problem is almost resolved. As much as I hate the thought of my mom being permanently away from me, I also feel that it could be God's only way of easing everybody's pain, of resolving the problem. Who knows, it could be a blessing-in-disguise (which I think it is). It would make me more independent than I am. It would make my mom happier. It could bring us sisters closer.
Every time we snarl at each other (figuratively), I pray to God that he resolve the problem. I pray that I'll accept what he thinks is best for my family. Filled with frustration, hurt and despair, I gave it up to God. I let him bear the burden that I used to bear for my family.
It appears God has answered my prayers.
At last, a new phase in my life.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
The last time I wrote something on my outline was August 11th, ten days ago.
Writer's block. Every writer's dreaded word.
Where are my inspirations?
Tuesday, July 5, 2005
Well, I guess I should think again.
Much to my dismay, I saw more and more employers looking for CGA students! And I don't even have my Bachelor's Degree yet! Well, a bachelor's degree isn't an entrance requirement, but still. Most of the time, a CGA enrolment is a requirement, but sometimes, it's referred to as an "asset." Asset, my foot. It's only their way of saying that I'd better be enrolled in the CGA program, or else nobody would hire me.
Don't get me wrong. It's not that I hate my current job. Except for a couple of people in the office, it's fine. But I REALLY want to practise accounting or else I'd forget everything that I learned.
I guess, I gotta have more faith...
*Taking a deep breath while eyes are closed* Whatever God knows is best for me, it'll happen in His perfect time.
And that includes every aspect of my life! Yes, including my pseudo-love-life.
I'll try to remember that. During days like these, I need a bit of a push to trust God again with my whole life.
Saturday, June 4, 2005
Spending my life just building up this wall
How could I say no you hit me so unexpectedly
Like you want to prove there’s nothing I can do
I think that maybe I might be in danger
Somehow you read my mind and found me out
I don’t know which emotion’s feelin’ stranger now
‘Cause I’m afraid, but still I’m glad I stayed
I could try to fight it
Just deny it
Avoid the touch
And turn away from you or maybe
Ride it out
But if I like it is that enough
To call it love, to call it love
First of all, I never thought Carlos Santana will collaborate with JC Chasez. I may have wished it, but never in my wildest dreams did I think that it would come true.
Just when I'm reading "Every Young Woman's Battle" (a book to guide me while "guarding [my] mind, heart, and body in a sex-saturated world" which was given to me by my sister on my 22nd birthday), I come across this clip.
The temptation to forget what I just learned is so strong, it's horrible. Guarding my mind has been the biggest problem.
But I will overcome this temptation; ignore it. By God's grace and love, I will overcome this.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Post-secondary education in Canada gave me a taste of hell (figuratively, of course). Here, full-time study is taken quite literally. I had 32 units in one semester. Maximum of two lectures and maximum of two lab classes for every course. Two or three quizzes in one day. At least two projects or assignments due in one week. Eight-hundred-dollar-worth textbooks, as heavy as a century-old tree. Reams of handouts that went to the trash at the end of every semester. Nine hours in school. Crazy instructors who are buddies with Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, and the Abu Sayyaf. Gossiping classmates. Cute guys as freakin' jerks.
Can you believe I actually got sick after every exam week? Stress? Heck yeah!
But I have survived.
I now have a Diploma of Technology in Financial Management - Professional Accounting.
Monday, April 4, 2005
Why do gorgeous eyes and killer smiles get to me? And why am I always attracted to guys I'm too chicken to talk to?
OK. I first saw this guy one early winter evening. We were waiting for the bus to arrive. I saw him smiling my way. I initially thought that he was smiling at me, but, due to recent events, I now think that he was only smiling my way then. Anyway, I saw him while waiting for the bus a couple of times since that first night. One time, I was reading a title in the Chicken Soup for the Soul series (can't remember if it was Chicken Soup for the Romantic Soul or for the Christian Woman's Soul). I was reading with poor lighting, though I should have known that I could turn the little lamp just above my head on. Just before he got off, I looked up at him and he was smiling, as if he was mocking me. Then I noticed that the little lamp above me was suddenly on.
I didn't see him for the entire Christmas season until February. I first saw him again this year while waiting for the earlier bus. I had a good look at him then: He's Caucasian, tall, and has a not-so-huge-not-so-small built. He has a bit of a stomach, though. He wears a pair of specs and always - and I mean, always - wears a black-and-red toque. Therefore, I had never seen his hair. He always carries a huge Tracker backpack with an off-white hard hat hanging from I-don't-know-what. And from the hard hat, I assumed that he works for a construction company. He actually used to wear a badly torn pair of huge brown shoes; now he wears a darker brown shoes. He also wears badly torn jeans - to the point where I can see his bare - and hairy - thigh. He also has a huge silver timepiece dangling from his jeans. He either reads a book or listens to his CD player while waiting for the bus and while on the bus - like me! And I actually saw him playing harmonica on a Saturday!
I actually can't figure out where he lives. He normally gets off at 180th at 60th. But he also gets off at two different stops, like he did last night, leaving me wondering if he was going to see his girlfriend or fiancee or, worse, boyfriend.
But, on March 11th, he was standing in front of me on the line. His cellphone was strapped to the side of his torn jeans. His cellphone display was in my full view. It said, "hi justin". I assume that he's straight, so I deduced that his name is Justin. Sad to say, I've never had the nerve to talk to him.
Unfortunately, I don't think he's interested in me at all. But just like the JC-Chasez-look-alike from BCIT, Justin a.k.a. Smiley a.k.a. Harmonica Boy is now officially my Ultimate Boytoy. I'm wondering, just like my friend Jon does, when I'm gonna have the guts to talk to him.
Saturday, March 26, 2005
Nobody can say that I didn't study for the tax quiz last week. Seriously. You can say that I didn't study enough, but I still studied.
I flunked it!
I only got FOUR out of SIXTEEN! Only 25 percent!
I thought I understood RRSP Deduction Limits, Taxes Payable for Individuals enough to get those questions right. Not!
Weird thing is, when I calculated what I should get in the final exam to get at least 50%, I discovered that I only need to get at least 38.57% to pass!
Guess I still have a chance to get this thing over with this year.
Do you think so, Heavenly Father?
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
After three years of being here in Canada, several things in my life have changed:
- My faith - I became a Protestant on March 26, 2002. I proclaimed it to my church on Easter Sunday, April 20, 2003.
- My career - I used to be a Statistics major, but I switched to Financial Management (Professional Accounting)
- My standards for the opposite sex - He should be H.O.T. [please refer to http://www.geocities.com/butterflykissesjc for more info; click "Bookworm" and go to "Christian"]
- My employment status - I'm working now!
- My choice of guys - I tend to like more white guys now... Hmmmm...
But some things still haven't changed:
- My choice of food - I still love Filipino dishes. Nothing beats tinolang manok and nilagang baka.
- My choice of language - Filipino for life!
- My love for my long-time friends - Especially for my best friend!
Next step? Take my oath as a Canadian citizen.
Next stop? Switzerland.
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Song Of The Year & Best Male Pop Vocal Performance
John Mayer, songwriter (John Mayer)
Track from: Heavier Things[Aware Records/Columbia; Publishers: Sony/ATV Tunes/Specific Harm Music.]
Best New Artist
Best Pop Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal
Los Lonely Boys
Track from: Los Lonely Boys[Or Music/Epic Records]
Best Dance Recording
Avant & Bloodshy, producers; Niklas Flyckt, mixer
Track from: In The Zone[Jive/Zomba Label Group]
Best Electronic/Dance Album
Best Female R&B Vocal Performance
If I Ain't Got You
Track from: The Diary Of Alicia Keys[J Records]
Best Male R&B Vocal Performance
Call My Name
Track from: Musicology[Columbia Records/NPG Records]
Best R&B Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals
Usher & Alicia Keys
Track from: Confessions Special Edition[Arista/La Face/Zomba Label Group]
Best Traditional R&B Vocal Performance
Track from: Musicology[Columbia Records/NPG Records]
Best R&B Song
You Don't Know My Name
Alicia Keys, Harold Lilly & Kanye West, songwriters (Alicia Keys)
Track from: The Diary Of Alicia Keys[J Records; Publishers: Lellow Productions/EMI Music Publishing, Ye World Music/EMI April Music, Uncle Bobby Music/EMI Blackwood Music & A Dish-A-Tunes Ltd.]
Best R&B Album
The Diary Of Alicia Keys
Best Contemporary R&B Album
[Arista/LaFace/Zomba Label Group]
Best Rap Performance By A Duo Or Group
Let's Get It Started
The Black Eyed Peas
Track from: Elephunk[A&M Records]
Best Rap Song
Miri Ben Ari, C. Smith & Kanye West, songwriters (Kanye West)
Track from: The College Drop-Out[Rocafella Records; Publishers: Konman Entertainment/Gimme My Publishing Co./Hip Hop Since 1978 & Mapleshade Productions.]
Best Rock Gospel Album
Best Pop/Contemporary Gospel Album
All Things New
Steven Curtis Chapman
Best Score Soundtrack Album For A Motion Picture, Television Or Other Visual Media
The Lord Of The Rings - The Return Of The King
Howard Shore, composer (Howard Shore)
Best Song Written For A Motion Picture, Television Or Other Visual Media
Into The West (From The Lord Of The Rings - The Return Of The King)
Annie Lennox, Howard Shore & Fran Walsh, songwriters (Annie Lennox)
Track from: The Lord Of The Rings - The Return Of The King[Reprise/WMG Soundtracks; Publishers: New Line Tunes/BMG Music Publishing.]
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Monday, January 3, 2005
100 Years by Five for Fighting
"Every day's a new day...
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey 15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live"
2004 was about thinking and reflecting - but isn't every year?
Saturday, January 1, 2005
By the way, I work for a company that specializes in converting litigation/legal documents (paper) into CD-ROM files for easier usage in legal proceedings (e.g. litigation, mergers, acquisitions, etc). Imagine scanning litigation/legal documents, coding them in Summation (sometimes), converting them to PDF, hyperlinking the PDFs to the index (if it's a closing book). Also, removing staple wires, paper clips, bulldog clips, and other fasteners, and then putting them back afterwards are not bad. The worst that I have done was numberstamp documents, because it hurts my arms - both of them! I actually suck at numberstamping.
The job isn't that physically demanding. But it's not intellectually challenging. Except when I see real (though not always original) financial statements, prospectus, auditor's report. But, you know, when I scan them, I can't analyze them because I have to be fast in scanning documents! So I can barely read them and compare them to the "theoretical" accounting and finance documents I studied in college.
Also, I want to experience working in my field (accounting). I may forget what I learned in college if I don't apply my knowledge.
I work in downtown Vancouver, though I live far away from the City of Vancouver. And I take public transportation to get to work and back home. It wasn't so bad in 2004, but the cost of the three-zone transit pass increased by $10 Canadian. So if I get fired this month, my January 2005 transit pass would be useless, unless I get hired by a new company immediately. Though I still take part-time courses in Accounting in my college, I only have classes on Saturdays (until April 2nd).
OK. So what is the "perfect" job for me? Here are my "criteria":
- closer to home
- employers and colleagues as nice as the ones I currently deal with everyday
- accessible by bus and/or SkyTrain
- my own office space
- eligible bachelors (haha!)
For me, 2004 ended with a disappointing thud. Things have been very crappy lately in many (if not all) aspects of my life. Academically, I had to take two courses to complete my requirements, so I can get my diploma. As I said in my latest short story, damn Canadian income taxation! [Excuse my French, by the way.] Spiritually, my growth has been stunted by the things that keep me busy (e.g. school, work). Professionally - well, not exactly - I hate my current job! I can't wait to get a new job. Financially, my student loan repayments will keep me from spending on stuff that I like (e.g. CDs, fiction, shoes, chocolates), actually even on things that I need (e.g. new clothes, PC stuff). Romantically - if such word to describe love life exists - I'm still single. While most of my girl friends and guy friends have dated at least one person - like my best friend - I remain boyfriendless. I'm not complaining all the time, actually. It's just that I learned that my best friend "got herself" a boyfriend recently. There's also a certain guy I've been thinking about lately in the most peculiar way (to quote a Mariah Carey song). Not to mention that my brother asked me if I have a boyfriend earlier last night (as in, early evening of December 31st). Those things triggered me to ask when my time will come. It will pass, I know. But since it hasn't, I will drive myself insane associating the boyfriend question to the guy that I was talking about while listening to Kelly Clarkson, Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, JC Chasez, etc., writing fiction, or watching films on DVD.
I wonder if 2005 will be a better year. Hopefully better than 2003, which was a very eventful year? Hopefully much better than 2004, which brought major changes in my life, most of which I wouldn't even think about if I had my way?
New year's resolutions? Nah. When I can think about chocolates without wanting to eat it, I would be ready to make new year's resolutions and keep them.