Family Drama

After three years, she has made her decision. After what seemed like an eternity of dramatic and passionate outbursts (to me), of finger pointing, of unfair comparisons, and of barely hidden bitterness, it's almost over.

My mom has decided to leave Canada and go back to the Philippines after all.

Contrary to popular beliefs, I'm hurt that she had come to that decision after only three years. I'm hurt that she based her decision on her emotions alone. I'm hurt that nobody in the family - not my mom, not my sister, not my brother, not me - did anything to solve all the problems. We all tried to forget that unhealthy conflict exists between the four remaining members of the nuclear family. Sadly, we all tried to sweep the bitterness and the hurt under the rug.

We all contributed to this conflict. My father, who was brought up the old school Roman Catholic way, was the stereotypical macho father and the one all three siblings fear. Though he didn't spank us as much as my mother did, his anger was more fearful because, as the head of the family, he took it upon himself to discipline us by corporal punishment and verbal abuse. And though he was faithful to us, he let us make fun of him, and he still believed in God, he wasn't much of an influence - to me, at least.

Now, my mom was also brought up the old school Roman Catholic way. Sadly, that brought my sister and me a lot of grief, though I wasn't really aware of the building conflict between my mom and my sister when I was growing up. You see, my mom believed that it's better to bear sons than daughters. She believed that, since sons carry the name of the family, they are superior to daughters. She always pointed out that she experienced painful labour when she was giving birth to my sister and me, as opposed to almost painless labour when she gave birth to my brother. She even told me when I was in my early teens that if her firstborn were a son, she would have more luck than she had, she would have a house of her own, and she would be more financially stable. Imagine how I felt when she told me that.

What I didn't know then was that my sister was hurt when my mom began to show her preference. My sister felt that my mom was being unfair. Then I came along; as the youngest, I became everybody's favourite - which didn't help. So my sister "rebelled" in a positive way. She became involved in more extracurricular activities than I had ever done. Then she found Christ and converted from Catholicism to Protestantism. And she went to college in University of the Philippines Los Banos, which meant that she was out of the house most of the time. She chose to be involved in worthwhile activities to get out of the house that didn't bring the comfort and love that she wanted.

So when I was growing up, I didn't notice any of my sister's pain or my mom's favouritism. (Because even I got as much corporal punishment and verbal abuse as they got.) But during my pre-teen years and early teen years, I finally noticed that my mom was more worried about my brother than about my sister. I remember when my brother first went to Dubai, United Arab Emirates to work; my mom would cry and get anxious about him. A few years after (when I was in mid-teens) when I asked her why she worried more about my brother than my sister, she gave me the same old crap that she thought my sister could take care of herself better than my brother could for himself. My mother couldn't be farther from the truth. Then, towards the end of my freshman year in high school, the dam containing my sister's pain and bitterness started to leak. She and my mom had a big fight in front of my brother-in-law, my infant nephew, and me. It was the first time she ever mentioned that my mother was playing favourites.

Fast forward to February 2002. We had just immigrated in Canada. Before we left the Philippines, my mother was so excited. Why? Because she thought that living with my sister would ease my brother's financial burden. (Aside from providing for his own family, my brother also provided for us and sent me to school.) When she was eventually disillusioned, she started telling me that she wanted to go back to the Philippines. Stupid me, I ignored that and turned to my own pleasures and personal pursuits.

Then in 2004, my brother and his family moved to the United States. She loved my brother so much that she stayed in Louisiana for nearly three months to help them out. When she came back, she complained to me about my brother's stubbornness, among other things. Of course, selfish as I am, I still ignored her complaints and focused more on my personal pursuits.

All those times, I was thinking: my mother has never realized that all three of us are grown adults. She never accepted that she was just overreacting. And that her twisted belief about sons and daughters is the root of this evil. She is in denial.

Yes, my sister hinted a lot of times that it was entirely my mother's fault. If she only changed her attitude towards her daughters, among other things, she wouldn't feel the need to go back to the Philippines. No, my brother never mentioned anything about it. I don't think he's even aware that her's the reason our mom and our sister are in deep conflict. He only lived his live the way my mother wanted - most of the time, that is. And no, I didn't mediate before because I felt that each contributed to the problem!

Of course, it always boils down to the fact that my mother is in denial about all of this. Bottom-line: nobody tried to communicate in an adult manner regarding the problem. Nobody tried to resolve the conflict in an adult manner. Nobody.

And now that my mother's decision is practically final, I feel both sadness and relief. I'm sad because I would miss my mom terribly. Annoying and irritating as she is most of the time, she's still my mother. She still sacrificed a lot for me and she still raised me (though not properly). But I'm also relieved that this particular problem is almost resolved. As much as I hate the thought of my mom being permanently away from me, I also feel that it could be God's only way of easing everybody's pain, of resolving the problem. Who knows, it could be a blessing-in-disguise (which I think it is). It would make me more independent than I am. It would make my mom happier. It could bring us sisters closer.

Every time we snarl at each other (figuratively), I pray to God that he resolve the problem. I pray that I'll accept what he thinks is best for my family. Filled with frustration, hurt and despair, I gave it up to God. I let him bear the burden that I used to bear for my family.

It appears God has answered my prayers.

At last, a new phase in my life.

Writer's Block

I haven't even started writing "Dilemma" (working title). I'm not even halfway the "planning stage."

The last time I wrote something on my outline was August 11th, ten days ago.

Writer's block. Every writer's dreaded word.

Where are my inspirations?

What Now?

I've been an official BCIT alumna for a couple of weeks now. I thought that looking for an accounting-related job would be easier than it was before I graduated.

Well, I guess I should think again.

Much to my dismay, I saw more and more employers looking for CGA students! And I don't even have my Bachelor's Degree yet! Well, a bachelor's degree isn't an entrance requirement, but still. Most of the time, a CGA enrolment is a requirement, but sometimes, it's referred to as an "asset." Asset, my foot. It's only their way of saying that I'd better be enrolled in the CGA program, or else nobody would hire me.

It sucks!

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I hate my current job. Except for a couple of people in the office, it's fine. But I REALLY want to practise accounting or else I'd forget everything that I learned.

I guess, I gotta have more faith...

Oh well...

*Taking a deep breath while eyes are closed* Whatever God knows is best for me, it'll happen in His perfect time.

And that includes every aspect of my life! Yes, including my pseudo-love-life.

I'll try to remember that. During days like these, I need a bit of a push to trust God again with my whole life.

If I Don't

You know I’ve always kept my heart protected
Spending my life just building up this wall
How could I say no you hit me so unexpectedly
Like you want to prove there’s nothing I can do

I think that maybe I might be in danger
Somehow you read my mind and found me out
I don’t know which emotion’s feelin’ stranger now
‘Cause I’m afraid, but still I’m glad I stayed

I could try to fight it
Just deny it
Avoid the touch
And turn away from you or maybe
Ride it out
But if I like it is that enough
To call it love, to call it love

First of all, I never thought Carlos Santana will collaborate with JC Chasez. I may have wished it, but never in my wildest dreams did I think that it would come true.

Just when I'm reading "Every Young Woman's Battle" (a book to guide me while "guarding [my] mind, heart, and body in a sex-saturated world" which was given to me by my sister on my 22nd birthday), I come across this clip.

The temptation to forget what I just learned is so strong, it's horrible. Guarding my mind has been the biggest problem.

But I will overcome this temptation; ignore it. By God's grace and love, I will overcome this.

The Graduate

Three years. I spent three years stuffing my brain with accounting concepts. It was only supposed to be two years, but Canadian income taxation rules screwed me over the first time.

Post-secondary education in Canada gave me a taste of hell (figuratively, of course). Here, full-time study is taken quite literally. I had 32 units in one semester. Maximum of two lectures and maximum of two lab classes for every course. Two or three quizzes in one day. At least two projects or assignments due in one week. Eight-hundred-dollar-worth textbooks, as heavy as a century-old tree. Reams of handouts that went to the trash at the end of every semester. Nine hours in school. Crazy instructors who are buddies with Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, and the Abu Sayyaf. Gossiping classmates. Cute guys as freakin' jerks.

Can you believe I actually got sick after every exam week? Stress? Heck yeah!

But I have survived.

I now have a Diploma of Technology in Financial Management - Professional Accounting.

Praise God!

Harmonica Boy

Oops!... I did it again!

Why do gorgeous eyes and killer smiles get to me? And why am I always attracted to guys I'm too chicken to talk to?

OK. I first saw this guy one early winter evening. We were waiting for the bus to arrive. I saw him smiling my way. I initially thought that he was smiling at me, but, due to recent events, I now think that he was only smiling my way then. Anyway, I saw him while waiting for the bus a couple of times since that first night. One time, I was reading a title in the Chicken Soup for the Soul series (can't remember if it was Chicken Soup for the Romantic Soul or for the Christian Woman's Soul). I was reading with poor lighting, though I should have known that I could turn the little lamp just above my head on. Just before he got off, I looked up at him and he was smiling, as if he was mocking me. Then I noticed that the little lamp above me was suddenly on.

I didn't see him for the entire Christmas season until February. I first saw him again this year while waiting for the earlier bus. I had a good look at him then: He's Caucasian, tall, and has a not-so-huge-not-so-small built. He has a bit of a stomach, though. He wears a pair of specs and always - and I mean, always - wears a black-and-red toque. Therefore, I had never seen his hair. He always carries a huge Tracker backpack with an off-white hard hat hanging from I-don't-know-what. And from the hard hat, I assumed that he works for a construction company. He actually used to wear a badly torn pair of huge brown shoes; now he wears a darker brown shoes. He also wears badly torn jeans - to the point where I can see his bare - and hairy - thigh. He also has a huge silver timepiece dangling from his jeans. He either reads a book or listens to his CD player while waiting for the bus and while on the bus - like me! And I actually saw him playing harmonica on a Saturday!

I actually can't figure out where he lives. He normally gets off at 180th at 60th. But he also gets off at two different stops, like he did last night, leaving me wondering if he was going to see his girlfriend or fiancee or, worse, boyfriend.

But, on March 11th, he was standing in front of me on the line. His cellphone was strapped to the side of his torn jeans. His cellphone display was in my full view. It said, "hi justin". I assume that he's straight, so I deduced that his name is Justin. Sad to say, I've never had the nerve to talk to him.

Unfortunately, I don't think he's interested in me at all. But just like the JC-Chasez-look-alike from BCIT, Justin a.k.a. Smiley a.k.a. Harmonica Boy is now officially my Ultimate Boytoy. I'm wondering, just like my friend Jon does, when I'm gonna have the guts to talk to him.

Quiz Results Rant

ARGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Nobody can say that I didn't study for the tax quiz last week. Seriously. You can say that I didn't study enough, but I still studied.

I flunked it!

I only got FOUR out of SIXTEEN! Only 25 percent!

I thought I understood RRSP Deduction Limits, Taxes Payable for Individuals enough to get those questions right. Not!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Weird thing is, when I calculated what I should get in the final exam to get at least 50%, I discovered that I only need to get at least 38.57% to pass!

Guess I still have a chance to get this thing over with this year.

Do you think so, Heavenly Father?

Friendster and Blogging

Even Friendster has joined the trend. Can you believe it?