Thursday, August 23, 2007

The Song of the Lonely and Depressed


Written by Kelly Clarkson and Aben Eubanks
::Published by Smelly Songs/EMI April Music, Inc. (ASCAP), DigbyOmega Music (BMI)::
::Kelly Clarkson, My December (2007)::

Are you there?
Are you watching me?
As I lie here on this floor
They say you feel what I do
They say you’re here every moment

Will you stay?
Stay ‘till the darkness leaves
Stay here with me
I know you’re busy, I know I’m just one
But you might be the only one who sees me
The only one to save me

Why is it so hard?
Why can’t you just take me?
I don’t have much to go
Before I fade completely

Can you feel how cold I am?
Do you cry as I do?
Are you lonely up there all by yourself?
Like I have felt all my life
The only one to save mine

How are you so strong?
What’s it like to feel so free?
Your heart is really something
Your love, a complete mystery to me

Are you there watching me?
As I lie here on this floor
Do you cry, do you cry with me?
Cry with me tonight

Are you there?
Are you watching me?

Kelly Clarkson said in an interview that this song was written after a really crappy day, I believe the last stop in her Addicted tour, in Irvine, CA. I think Kelly was crying out to God, because she couldn't take it anymore, whatever it was that drove her to write this. She was wondering about the Christian claims that God is everywhere and is with us in everything.

I know the answer to her questions, I do. I know, in my mind and in my heart, that God is with us always. I feel Him weeping sometimes when I'm weeping.

I've had these dark days and nights, like she was singing about in "Irvine," and I don't deny that I sometimes felt that God was so far away.

These days, I've been feeling so lonely. I felt it the most on the night that I watched The Bourne Ultimatum after work. I could have called my friends, but with G taking care of her baby, L being very pregnant with her first baby, and the rest of them having busy careers, they'd decline anyway. Being surrounded by couples, families, and cliques didn't help my self-esteem that night. Sure, there were a few solitaires in the auditorium, but that still didn't help.

It's not easy being single. Especially if it's a self-imposed no-dating-for-a-year policy. The fact that my best friend A is happily married with a child made my single status just a little bit harder to live with. (I'm truly happy for her, but I gotta be honest: I can't help feeling envious.) Then G entered a relationship and had a baby; L secretly got married while in the Philippines and is now pregnant with her first child; J just got married; a few church friends got married and one of them just had a baby; A just got engaged; and C also got engaged!

What is happening to my friends???

Not only that. My so-called family is not helping. I've been sick twice this month and all I hear from my mother are variations of "I don't believe you're sick" and "You're going to get fired." Really supportive of you, mother. My boss treats me a lot better than my mother does. My sister snorts at my living-in-a-condo dreams. My niece and my nephew screw up a lot of things in my life. My brother-in-law is finishing my room in the basement, which is bound to make me feel a lot lonelier and colder this winter. And my mother recently admitted to me that my brother is her favourite child - which means she'd been lying to my sister and me since that chaotic and painful night in February 1997.


Back to the double-edged sword that is my singleness. Do I need a man? I'm not gonna lie. Yes, I do. Do I need one now? Right now? Maybe.

I only want someone to love me - and for me to love - apart from my so-called family and friends. He doesn't have to be Antonio Banderas, Adam Rodriguez, JC Chasez, Matthew Fox or Matt Damon. I'm only asking God to make him - the one He's preparing for me - a true Christian (ahem, ahem!), someone who can make me laugh, who can stay with me through my many ups and downs, who will try his best to understand me (I only need him to try, because understanding me is not going to be easy for anyone), who will be honest with me (I don't want skeletons in the closet; if there's something I need to know - kids, ex-wives, etc - I want to know as early in the relationship as possible), who will be a good father to my future children, and who will be good to me.

Is that too much to ask?

God is probably reading this as I write and He must be saying, "Not yet, my dear, not yet." That's fine with me. But what if He was saying, "No, My daughter, I want you to be single for the rest of your life, for Me?"

I'd be sad, but I know it'll be all right. He has a plan for me and He know what's best for me. I only hope that He'll give me a dog and make me live in Switzerland while I serve Him without a husband and children.

But why do I still feel so alone?

I need a good cry...

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